Friday, April 17, 2009

Spring at last, Spring at last!


So wow. So much for updating more regularly. Some of you may have noticed I'm now hooked into twitter.com. You can follow me there! Of course I 've got like, the best record for having NO ONE following me! A couple of retailers have tagged my butt for following, but I have brushed them off my list. I am, of course, following The Nature Conservancy, Ten Downing Street (the office of the English Prime Minister), and David Hewlett (@dhewlett) as he is one of my favorite actors. I'm also following his sister, Kate Hewlett, which sounds like a great stalker line, doesn't it? But following other performing artists makes me feel more connected to the 'biz.'


My mom got her first catscan this week after about 9 weeks of chemotherapy. The tumor is shrinking! Whoo! Of course, it becomes a double edged sword. I couldn't get her on the phone last night as I'm sure she was talking to many folks, but I can't help but think she was probably like "GREAT!... uh... great, more chemo..." But I'm happy to hear this news and I'm sure she is too.


Spring is here. I can't wait to actually see the little buds begin to sprout and that fabulous light green, new-leaf color on the trees! But for now I am content to have the sunshine. I feel like a person thrown down a dark hole for six years right now. I am sure I was a cat in a former life, as I spend all of my free time basking in the sun, in windows at the library, in the pizza parlor, and on the street against the brick walls. (No, I swear I am not a prostitute, sir, just leaning here to get the sun!)


Here's to spring... May it reign for many more weeks.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Fearful? or Fearless?





I couldn't sleep last night. Who let me have 3 large caffeinated beverages yesterday? So I got up to read a bit after I'd been in bed about an hour last night. The book I am reading is called “Broken Open: how difficult times can help us grow” by Elizabeth Lesser. There were repeatedly notes and comments that aligned so perfectly with the work I’ve been doing the last 5 years, it was amazing.

You see, I've been working with a local counselor who does dreamwork. I've been patiently, methodically trying to pry open the heavy cellar door to my subconscious, my essence, my soul. In between, I've also found "Lexipro." You bet! I took Lexipro for the first time three years ago. After three days, I turned to Terri while we were standing in the living room and I said, "Wow. So this is how normal people feel isn't it?" Tears welled up in my eyes a moment because I felt so tender, so in awe of the moment. You could say I"m a bit of an anxious person and always have been. So now it's the work and the medicine. That moment of calm inside the storm that the medicine has created for me, allows me to do the work or "The Work" as those of us in-process call it. Eventually, I'll be off of the Lexipro.

So in this book I was reading, there was this quote from Chogyam Trungpa (Who first taught Tibetan Buddhism in the US).

“When we slow down, when we relax with our fear, we find sadness, which is calm and gentle. Sadness hits you in your heart... this is the first sign of real warriorship...Discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart."

My human heart has been feeling quite soft and vulnerable lately. It’s not a bad thing, it's something delicate I am balancing inside of, like the feeling of being fresh white linen hung on the line in a hurricane. I can feel the wind, feel the ‘phwup’ of material billowing, and feel most of all the tenuous, rough line I am hung on. On either side, the tight, splintered clothespins. Will the wind ever stop? Sometimes it does, and when it does it brings a fresh air like none other.

Remember spring mornings when you were a child, or the way the field outside your house smelled at dawn, when the dew was accompanied by the thick downy blanket of a fallen white thundercloud in the valley below, and the sound of the black crows, that moved incessantly back and forth across the empty baseball field, cawing out, first one, then another, calmly, methodically pecking at carcasses and dried grass seeds and bugs. They picked the land clean for their meal with such a calm you had to wonder, if you could live like a crow, feel the calm swell of death as it came slinking off of the surface of the earth, its cool dark shadow expanding silently, would you be fearful? Or fearless?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Its been too long...

What is it about this blog that has made me feel a bit like I'm creating 'porno for the soul,' [as my friend Elizabeth Wilcox calls poetry] and showing it to everyone? Does anyone else feel this way? I haven't posted in a long time because I just started to feel weird about it all, like my underwear were drying on the line for all to see...I mean, I know it will sound daffy to those who know me well, because I've been keeping journals and telling lo-o-o-ong stories since I can remember, but this is different. My journals, I might have thought sometimes, might be found when I died and published by some descendant or relative (What author hasn't thought of that?), but this! I think it and it can be put out there. Poof! And I began to limit myself too much I think. Kim, artist, thinker, ponderer of artistic truths and ideas... blah, blah...

Let's get back to basics. Life. That's got to be the subject of any blog. Period. Anything else I could come up with is too restrictive.

So what have I been up to since my revelation on June 14 that I CAN'T play the young ingénue any more? Briefly - and in reverse order...
  • Had the week of Christmas off so hung with family through the holidays. Terri and I stayed three days at my moms watching Lifetime networks "Fa la la la lifetime" movies and visiting, etc. (etc., including working on that afghan which is almost done already in only 6 weeks.) We then went to the hospital with her for a biopsy as she has a cyst on her adrenal gland and a mass in her lung. Shit. Perhaps more on that later, perhaps not...My youngest nephew, Daniel, is tooling around like a walking maniac, making up his own sentences in that foreign language, baby-talk, and he's a joy and a charmer! My older nephews are soon to be 22 and 17! Holy Crap when did that happen! They, too are charmers. My two nieces are both about 18 now also - no, wait 17...? Eash! And both working hard at discovering how to navigate the world. Family is good, really. Can't beat it.
  • Spent two different evenings celebrating Yule this year. One as a spontaneous chance to get together with two fabulous friends who Terri and I never get to see, Denise and Linda, just four women in a room chatting, taking in life, the universe and everything and supporting each other. The other at my friend Margie's with a few friends - of course the Full Moon Sister's Lodge was there, and Mae, Pam's daughter. Then there were Walter and Robin, two of my favorite people in the world! And Margie's brother, Mike. We had a nice night. We sent out some good vibes to the Universe and asked for the light to come back as we are all ready for that.
  • Played the stage manager/Foley artist in the radio show/stage version of "It's a Wonderful Life" at Lost Nation Theater in December (while working madly to finish a new afghan I'd begun crocheting in November.
  • Ran the lights/sound for Translations by Brian Friel at Fairfax Community Theatre Company in November (While starting that little granny-square afghan.)
  • Decided to really take on producing "Love Letters Made Easy" by fellow VT Playwrights Circle member, Jeanne Beckwith at Winterfest this year (at Lost Nation Theater.) I will be directing with some support from Kathleen Keenan, co-artistic producer at LNT. (Hang on tight folks!!) I think it will be great.
  • Finished my play "Sanctuary, or the Forensics of Sacrifice" in late October and gathered 11 actors to read the play in my tiny living room on November 6th...(?) It was fantastic to hear it aloud and now I know what to cut, where to move, what to create. I just have to sit down and do it!
  • Decided in late August that in October that I would 'do nothing' meaning I would not schedule any meetings, volunteer to usher or stage manage, or help anyone out with any projects. I DID IT!!! And it was very refreshing. The result? See November/December above for the backlash. ;-) A girl's got to work hard to break old habits. We'll be trying this again, perhaps in March, as Love Letters goes up on Feb 12th.
  • Labor Day weekend, the Vermont Playwrights Circle produced a Ten-Fest at the Valley Player's Theater space. My what fun! I stepped in to stage manage just for the run and of course co-produced it. It was a rousing success! We had more and more folks in the audience every night and I got to play the Foley artist for a short play that we changed into a radio play, thus spawning my opportunity to reprise the Foley artist role in LNT's holiday production (see above for "It's a Wonderful Life.") The audience loved it and everyone who worked on the show really enjoyed the experience. It was our first money maker ever.
  • July is a blur. I think that's due to our Annual Members Meeting at work at The Nature Conservancy...
  • In June, I was killing myself co-producing the Vermont Contemporary Playwrights Forum/Vermont Playwrights Circle's two weeks of play readings.
  • Through all of this, and for several years, I've been seeing a dream counselor. He does great work. This is a guy who doesn't keep you in your pathology but helps you to navigate the waters of self-awareness. Don't know if anyone has noticed a change, but I have. Of course, the Lexipro I take for my anxiety helps, but it's about nature & nurture here. There are a few things a gal's got to do to make the process work and grow and learn about herself. trying to do that as I go. It's made a great difference for me. More on that in later posts...
If there is anything else, I've forgotten it or filed it away somewhere under 'unimportant' for now.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

"What do you mean I can't play a 17 year old girl anymore?"

So I haven't posted in some time. For the past month, I've definitely been in what we in theater call "production mode." For the past several years The Vermont Playwrights Circle (VPC) has been running a summer reading series. Once a month, whether the moon be full or nay, (for my WICCAN friends) we gather and read a new script by a local playwright. The public is invited, Lost Nation Theater opens their doors to us when the theater is 'dark' (i.e. no main stage show is running) and we come in, set up, read, talk-back, have cookies and punch and go home. Reading complete.

Sometimes the play is something one of our core members has written, sometimes it's a play by someone brand new to us, something submitted into the ether after VPC has posted a call for scripts. We are lucky enough to receive dozens of scripts each year, which we comb through with loving care, while the author holds their breath hoping for a 'yes.' Either way, what has usually happened between our posting a call for scripts and the actual night of the reading is a mayhem and flurry of phone calls from me asking folks to help us, either by reading, posting fliers, bringing brownies for intermission or handing out programs.

That's when run the series once a month.

Last year, one of our member's lovely wives, Caroline, suggested we put all our efforts into something more concentrated, say a week or two, and ride along on the coat tails of some other festival or event. This seemed a great idea, and I think it was, however, in retrospect, it's like that saying parents have about children. One is a lot of work, two is three times the work, three is five times the work... etc. To be running 8 plays in two weeks is a bit crazy! But we've been doing it, and having a blast, and I hope the audiences only continue to grow. (The core audience for a reading of a new work usually consists of the friends & relatives of the author and the actors.) We'll see.

Meanwhile, as I've scrambled around, culling names and numbers of readers from tiny scraps of paper, old cast lists, my yahoo address book, suggestions from friends and really just people on the street that I know, (We asked some girls who work at Subway and a friend who works at the toy store to read.) I've come to realize that at the age of 42, I am no longer a viable stand-in for the part of "Lizzie, the 17 year old girlfriend to Joe" in "My Son, My Son," which we'll be performing tonight.

WHAT?! When could that possibly have happened?!!

When did I go from being 17, 125 lbs (I just changed that on my licence this year... ahem.) to being 179 lbs, 42, a bit 'long in the tooth' to play the teenage girlfriend? Ugh. (And yet... it was thanks to my age I got to play Abigail Adams in 1776 a few years back too, so the perks sometimes balance out the weight of the years (pun intended).)

So yes, I've been pretty busy. Yes, I have done nothing but eat, sleep, dream, eat, drink theater for the past several days while I have been 'on vacation' from work, and yes, after this week, my summer seems to open up in my mind like a wide vista of swimming, sunbathing, sipping tea and perhaps even going out with friends at night. Still, Terri and I have made it a point NOT to skip an early drive to rehearsal for a baby creamie at the local stand. I've made a point to sit outside in the glorious sun and eat my dinner before going into the darkened theater, and I've tried to just relax on the porch with breakfast each morning. These are the things that keep you going.

As far as I can tell, my family and friends still have no idea why I do it. Why do all of this theater when I'm not even on Broadway or getting a salary from it? Heck, I have no idea, some days, as I am slogging through the work end of it all. Until the answer appears on the faces of the audience (remember; friends & family of the playwright) and of the playwright when the lights come up, and they are wiping their eyes, nodding, saying under their breath "uh huh. Yes." THAT is why I do it. That, and the moment when you hear and see the story take off on its own.

As Grace and Joan lay back in an imaginary parking garage at the Miss United States Pageant, talking about the silence, bonding, wondering if their heifer will win the contest in "The Heifer Pageant" by Eddie Gale of Johnson and as Rosalee and her mentor talk for the last time in the classroom in "Rosalee was Here" by Maura Campbell of Burlington, or as I myself am onstage playing the character of Jennifer who is at her friend Katie's party, and I look around and see six amazing women and 4wonderful men acting out this zany moment when Katie is trying - via Power Point show, to decide who the right man is to marry in "The Wedding Party" by Maureen Hennigan - I know, without a doubt, that if there were nothing else in my life but theater, I would be content.

This is why we do this, and this is why I hope someday to be able to entice others who don't always think of a night at the theater as a way to spend the evening - or who go to the theater but are worried to take a chance on something brand new and unpolished - to take a chance on new works. I hope to convince people that the adventure of stepping into the darkened theater knowing the playwright sits in the audience chewing their nails, that the characters they are about to watch, and the story that is about to unfold are new, just born, just stumbling to their toddler legs, is one of the wonderful adventures worth experiencing.

www.vermontplaywrightscircle.org/SummerSeries.html

Friday, May 9, 2008

The Answer to Life, The Universe, and EVERYTHING...

42. Yup. 42 is how much I turned this week. Inconceivable. My friend, Doug, introduced me to the bit in "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy" where this civilization makes a supercomputer to figure out the answers to "life, the universe and everything." It works, and works, and works, for thousands of years, for lifetimes, for generations and when it finally says "I have found the answer," they ask it to tell them, so "what's the answer?" and it says "Forty... two..."

So that's it, for a year I'll have all the answers!

I can remember, when I was little, calculating how old I would be when the year 2000 hit and thinking, "Wow. Will I make it to 34?" Seems so silly now. I mean, D'uh! Of course I was going to make it to my 30s! That's small potatoes, change, younginsville!

It didn't rain on my birthday this year. I didn't get one present, AND I was VERY HAPPY about it! ;-)

I got a lot of good wishes, had dinner at Sarducci's, the best Italian place in town, on the veranda with the windows open, overlooking the beautiful spring view and the river, and sipping a glass of white wine made in Australia. The day of my birthday I started putting together a submission for the 14th annual international women's playwrighting festival in Rhode Island. Yesterday I sent it, by God.

I am truly Blessed to live where I do, have what I have, and be who I am.

Wow. Now let's all have a great week! and happy spring to you all.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Warm Sunshine, Movies, Poems & Plays...

Spring is finally here in Vermont and I am so relieved to be able to walk outside in regular shoes and a light sweater! I can understand more and more how all of our grandparents could go to Florida each year to escape the winter. After 41+1/2 years of it, I am ready to go somewhere warm next February/March.

A few suggestions for amazing movies to see. Terri and I have spent a lot of time culling the shelves of our local Capital Video (and the lists of Netflix, too...shhh, don't tell Capital Video!) for compelling movies to watch. Our friends Maggie and David also give us choice ideas whenever they see something.

At the theaters
Horton Hears a Who! was actually done quite well. Our favorite character in the whole thing was Jo Jo and Jim Carey and Steve Carell were fantastic. But, alas, this is the only thing out right now that we've seen at the theaters.

On Video
"Feast of Love" with Morgan Freeman and Greg Kinear. Rent it. See it. Get a box of tissues and remember this movie was made from a novel by the same guy who wrote "The Hours" (which is also an intense and unconventional movie.)

"Things We Lost in the Fire" with Halle Berry and Benicio Del Toro and directed by Susanne Bier. Wow. Riveting. Something you can watch even if you have several loved ones with addiction, and I think understandable if you don't. I wanted to smack Halle Berry's character about half way through. Stuck with it because I realized her character was so real I WANTED to smack her! I have to see EVERYTHING directed by this woman now! Unfortunately almost everything she's done is in Danish, so I'll have to find a foreign film section to see them.

OK - true to my word last blog posting, I have submitted two submissions of poetry so far this month. My goal is to put out there at least 5 submissions. Check out the two online lit mags I've posted to so far:

wicked alice poetry journal: http://www.sundress.net/wickedalice/

Stirring: a Literary Collection: http://www.sundress.net/stirring/index.html

I've also made myself sign up for the open poetry reading at Bear Pond Books on April 29th. I've skipped the last two years as I didn't feel I had anything new to read. I will this year. Work, work, work...

I wrote two short stories in March and am beginning to prepare to sit down for three days and write out my play "The Forensics of Sacrifice" which has been in process for almost a year now. The idea for this play came out of my reading two books. "Stiff" by Mary Roach, which chronicles what happens to donated bodies in our society. and a memoir of a survivor of "MBP" (see below.) called "Sickened" by Julie Gregory.

The story from "Stiff" that struck me was of a man who was studying how Christ died on the cross by having students come in and be hung on crosses. (though just with safe wrist cuffs, etc.) to see if Christ died of asphyxiation, exsanguination, etc. He was working one day when a girl came into his lab and asked if he would actually nail her to the cross. Ouch!

Then in "Sickened" by Julie Gregory, we read the chronicle of the life of a young girl who is abused by her mother through the abusive syndrome called "Munchausen by Proxy."

See: http://www.clevelandclinic.org/health/health-info/docs/2800/2822.asp?index=9834

When I heard of the girl who had asked to be nailed to the cross, I thought, "what would make a girl want to do such a thing?" When I read "Sickened" I thought, "perhaps this type of experience." The idea is that I want to write this play telling how a girl finds a way to cleanse herself of her abuser's touch through the ultimate moment of sacrifice...

I get to read things like "The History of Crucifixion" and "A forensic Study of Christ's Crucifixion" for this one, along with "Forensics for Dummies." I have to unfortunately return to all of my research "MBP" for this one, though. It's been too long since I read Julie Gregory's memoir (see http://www.enotalone.com/authors.php?aid=775)[though her personal site has been shut down recently.] and all of the other supporting material. The idea for the rewrite is coming together slowly this past month, though.

During all of that, I have begun to put together more concrete ideas for the staging of "Angel in the Fire" and will post some more thoughts on my "Angel..." blog in the coming week, but to give a tidbit on that, I think this piece needs to go multi-media to do all that I want it to. Stay tuned!

And finally, we've gotten in 7 or 8 scripts from local writers for the Vermont Playwrights Circle's summer reading series! Fabulous. The deadline is this Saturday, April 12th so I hope we get a couple more. Then I get to sit down and read them all and put together a few days of readings, collect actors, set up performances, make posters and programs! Woo hoo!

I'm still just a child with a pair of (digital) scissors and tape. Whether it's through fiction, poetry, collage, dance, plays or what have you, I just like to assemble things.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Readings, Writings & Partnership

Well Terri had her first reading of her very first play this past Saturday! Woo hoo! The reading went smoothly, the rewrites she did between rehearsals were small yet significantly improved the piece, and the audience and actors had nothing but glowing reviews for her. There was a lot of insightful feedback gathered during the talk back. Terri's already begun to tear the thing apart and add in needed scenes. I can see that the main structure will stay. She's so very good at knowing what needs to happen that I honestly am astonished, not because I ever doubted she had the skill, but because it is a sight to behold such bold talent in action.

The best part of this whole experience has been having other people hear it so they can join in with my chorus of praise. (partners often don't believe each other when told they are brilliant.)

The second best part is that we're both often found furiously pounding away at the keyboard together, writing, or rewriting, our masterpieces. It's great fun.

I have set my sights on performing "Angel in the Fire" this coming winter, but there are new plays coming off the presses soon, as well as two stories I completed in March. I am also considering submitting some poetry for publication again. (I must be a glutton for punishment to want to go that route again!) Or an eternal optimist.

Here's to creativity.